I Stood for Myself

I was so eager to start new, to have my life renewed with different dream, different world and refreshed energy. I tried to grasp hard the new enterprise and hold tight into its expectations. I took steps that I didn't take before, and made it official that I needed the new world.

Happiness, however, never came perfect for me; there was always something to deform the perfect image I draw for it. The new dream appeared to me just like the old one, it asked from me what I gave the old and still offered me the same uncertainty I had lived before. It was too much for my heart to handle, and seemed to me another pitfall trying to trap me to sink in its darkness. I was about to fall, but all of sudden I had back my faith and stood for myself and decided to go back few steps and revaluate my journey. Yes, I was so eager to go ahead, to start new, and have a dream to live for, to have the life I always wanted, but my new enterprises was no different, it wanted to take from me now with a promise of some uncertain gains tomorrow.

Anyone would have got into that new venture and try, thinking that was better than waiting for something certain to come along, but I couldn't do that, I couldn't get into the same adventure all over again, because simply I have no energy for that! I can't do it again, for I would be lying to myself about. My first project was my everything, and for me to start a new one it has to be different. What I couldn't get in the past is the sense of security and assurance that this project will happen, or is happening and that is the only thing I will go for now: a project that work and is achieved. No more dreams or plans that feed me uncertainty and fear; no more castles in the air that break my heart to watch them disappear. 

Nadia F. Mohammed

  

Confusion

Hit hard by losing a dream I've been working on for almost one and year and half, I found myself confused and lost. I sought to make up for my lost dream with other projects to fill the blank my lost dream left! There was a huge hole inside me; cold air passes in and out, hurting every cell in me, reminding me of my failure and what I had lost. 

… and I didn't get better with these new projects! On the contrary!! All the projects that I allowed myself to get involved in didn't help me; they brought me pain and re-asserted my failure in this field. They made me think that no matter how much I could try, I would never get my lawful right! They didn't fill in the old blank, but added more and more to make the hole expand to make me all in all a hollow figure, empty inside in spite of the outside figure!! 

Every day I say good-bye to one project, and start new! Everyday a new wind shakes me and I roam loose like a light feather heading everywhere and to nowhere! I don't know when this re-bounce stage will be over; when and where shall I settle or whether will be a final destination for me to start my life! All I know now is that I can't find a compensation for my lost dream, nor I can deal with its loss. Reality becomes too harsh for me to live, and my imagination is still haunted by that lost fantasy

My friend has suggested to me that I stay away from all the fuss, a take a step backward to have a different view of the life that I am living. Her suggestion sounds good to me yet it won't help me but increase my isolation and the different view of my life that I may get from this withdrawal will be that of complete isolation and absolute loneliness.

Sometimes I convince myself that am searching for that new project which can work as a compensation for the lost one, which I put all my energy in. However, since till now I get nothing, I feel that deep inside I still hang on that lost dream, and still wish to have it back. I do believe that it was the best thing that happened to me, and unless a bigger dream takes the place of the old one, my heart will still hang on the past, and never recover. 

Nadia F. Mohammed