Confusion

Hit hard by losing a dream I've been working on for almost one and year and half, I found myself confused and lost. I sought to make up for my lost dream with other projects to fill the blank my lost dream left! There was a huge hole inside me; cold air passes in and out, hurting every cell in me, reminding me of my failure and what I had lost. 

… and I didn't get better with these new projects! On the contrary!! All the projects that I allowed myself to get involved in didn't help me; they brought me pain and re-asserted my failure in this field. They made me think that no matter how much I could try, I would never get my lawful right! They didn't fill in the old blank, but added more and more to make the hole expand to make me all in all a hollow figure, empty inside in spite of the outside figure!! 

Every day I say good-bye to one project, and start new! Everyday a new wind shakes me and I roam loose like a light feather heading everywhere and to nowhere! I don't know when this re-bounce stage will be over; when and where shall I settle or whether will be a final destination for me to start my life! All I know now is that I can't find a compensation for my lost dream, nor I can deal with its loss. Reality becomes too harsh for me to live, and my imagination is still haunted by that lost fantasy

My friend has suggested to me that I stay away from all the fuss, a take a step backward to have a different view of the life that I am living. Her suggestion sounds good to me yet it won't help me but increase my isolation and the different view of my life that I may get from this withdrawal will be that of complete isolation and absolute loneliness.

Sometimes I convince myself that am searching for that new project which can work as a compensation for the lost one, which I put all my energy in. However, since till now I get nothing, I feel that deep inside I still hang on that lost dream, and still wish to have it back. I do believe that it was the best thing that happened to me, and unless a bigger dream takes the place of the old one, my heart will still hang on the past, and never recover. 

Nadia F. Mohammed