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Thursday, March 10, 2016

Outcast

I spent last night asking myself: am I good? Not in the religious sense because this ship has sailed many years ago when my brain started to question everything preachers told me, when I realized that to be religious is an institutionalized concept privileged to men while women have to be under strict scrutiny by their male guardians to achieve this status.

I wondered whether I am a good person in the general sense of the word, where good means not hurting people, not lying, helping others and so forth, subscribing to the universal moral code. During the last months I have lost many friends and my relationship with others became tense and cold. People whom I used to know in Baghdad as my colleagues/friends were cold if not hostile to me and overnight I found that I have no friend to chat with when I need to, or to say hi to during the day.

Overnight I was estranged from all, colleagues, friends and sometimes I think even my family is joining the camp on the other side. When majority rules to alienate me, it must be for something I have done, said or acted. Something must have changed in me to push these people away to other side of the river and cast me off as unwanted black sheep.

 Being a black sheep has been always my running joke when I talk about myself, but back in Baghdad there was always someone who would laugh and tell me that I was not, and would add that I just wanted things certain way and it was good. Back in Baghdad, everyone found me good in the most general sense and I did have lots of people who did like me. Somehow this changed and all of sudden the black sheep is no longer a joke for me but a true reality and it hurts deeply.

Suddenly I belong to no one and to no where. I am a cast off as bad person who.should be warned against because I even may have a bad influence on innocent minds!

I spent the night wondering, but somehow I know the answer, I just don't want to believe it. Last year I was sucked into the dirty politics of the department administration, when it was impossible to please all, when I had to say less, and hide more. My mind and the actions taken were all ruled by my disillusionment and disappointment by what I had discovered when I became involved in that dirty world. I made more enemies than winning friends, and pushed people away after realizing that we didn't live in a perfect world, and everyone could manipulate their own moral code. I was confused and sometimes even frustrated, and I was mad at myself for accepting to be part of that muddle. I just wanted to escape before I lose the last shred of self-esteem. I did leave, but I was contaminated by the dirt I had been part of for long, and to cleanse myself, I took desperate measures which didn't only alienate my colleagues/friends, but somehow my family couldn't accept the new "cleansed" me. I simply have scratched too much skin that I am no longer recognizable to my own flesh-and-blood people!!  




1 comment:

  1. Are you good or NOT!?
    this question reveals that all the dirtiness in this cruel world did not do much to you. Asking yourself, wandering, and thinking of this makes you a good person, you may be a cold with some, "EVIL" to some, but there are some who saw the "real" you,.
    And about the Colleagues/friends whom step away from you, do not worry about it. maybe they did that because they have seen sth in you that they lack.
    And you added an influence on my innocent mind :)


    P.S. sorry if my English is bad :D

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