Popular Posts

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Confusion



Hit hard by losing a dream I've been working on for almost one and year and half, I found myself confused and lost. I sought to make up for my lost dream with other projects to fill the blank my lost dream left! There was a huge hole inside me; cold air passes in and out, hurting every cell in me, reminding me of my failure and what I had lost. 

… and I didn't get better with these new projects! On the contrary!! All the projects that I allowed myself to get involved in didn't help me; they brought me pain and re-asserted my failure in this field. They made me think that no matter how much I could try, I would never get my lawful right! They didn't fill in the old blank, but added more and more to make the hole expand to make me all in all a hollow figure, empty inside in spite of the outside figure!! 

Every day I say good-bye to one project, and start new! Everyday a new wind shakes me and I roam loose like a light feather heading everywhere and to nowhere! I don't know when this re-bounce stage will be over; when and where shall I settle or whether will be a final destination for me to start my life! All I know now is that I can't find a compensation for my lost dream, nor I can deal with its loss. Reality becomes too harsh for me to live, and my imagination is still haunted by that lost fantasy

My friend has suggested to me that I stay away from all the fuss, a take a step backward to have a different view of the life that I am living. Her suggestion sounds good to me yet it won't help me but increase my isolation and the different view of my life that I may get from this withdrawal will be that of complete isolation and absolute loneliness.

Sometimes I convince myself that am searching for that new project which can work as a compensation for the lost one, which I put all my energy in. However, since till now I get nothing, I feel that deep inside I still hang on that lost dream, and still wish to have it back. I do believe that it was the best thing that happened to me, and unless a bigger dream takes the place of the old one, my heart will still hang on the past, and never recover. 

Nadia F. Mohammed
   
  


4 comments:

  1. تحية طيبة
    مدونة رائعة ودائماً ما يبهرنا ويبهر العالم العراقيين المتخصصين بالآداب الانكليزية
    لذلك كانت مدونة بغداد تحترق من أشهر المدونات في العالم وهي لفتاة عراقية مجهولة تكتب بالانكليزية باسلوب ادبي راقي حازت على عشرات الجوائز في الادب الانكليزي وترجمت الى عشرات اللغات وطبع من مدونتها عدة كتب ومثلتها فرقة المانية مسرحية
    ولكنها توقفت عن الكتابة منذ 2007 وبقيت مجهولة

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. اشكر مروركم الكريم على مدونتي التي وارجو ان تكون مشرفة لبلدي ولكل نساءنا العراقيات

      Delete
  2. so happy you are writing out your pain, nadia. this is the only project you need, to express yourself. then you will find peace

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm trying my best dear Kelly. I wish i can find the appropriate words that show my pain, and the emotional mess that is overwhelming me these days.

      Delete